They sat in my office for counseling, the wife beginning: “Last night he came home drunk, pulled out a butcher knife, and threatened to stab me.” Asked her response, she replied, “I pulled out my nine-millimeter and said ‘one more step and I’ll blow a hole in you.’” Exclaiming I understood why they came for counseling, she replied, “Oh no, pastor, that’s not why we came. The problem is our six-year-old who insists on staying up until two each morning watching TV.” Blaming the child is typical of a dysfunctional family, defined as “a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.” (David Stoop, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves). A child who grows up in such a family carries anxiety into adulthood, never feeling secure and repressing emotions. They have trouble forming adult relationships later in life.
This is clearly seen in the Herods, the most dysfunctional family in the New Testament. Herod the Great ruled when Jesus was born and had the boys of Bethlehem put to death for fear one of them would eventually replace him as king. Around that time, Herod’s second son falsely accused the first son of attempting to murder their father, so Herod had his first son put to death. The first son left a daughter, Herodias, who married the fourth son and had her own daughter, but then Herodias had an affair with the third son. The second son, meanwhile, was so evil the Roman emperor banished him from the kingdom. The first son’s granddaughter, who was the fourth son’s daughter, did a provocative dance for the third son, who was now her stepfather. When he offered her whatever she asked in return, she requested the head of John the Baptist on a platter.
John had spoken God’s word to the Herod family and in the process was imprisoned at the insistence of Herodias. We find the story in the sixth chapter of Mark’s gospel. The third son “himself had sent and laid hold of John, and bound him in prison for the sake of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife; for he had married her” (vs 17). While in prison, the third son often went to speak with John and heard the word of God gladly. Certainly John shared with him about Jesus, the “lamb of God” who would take away the sins of the world, and encouraged him to turn from his sins and commit his life to follow God. There is hope for every dysfunctional family, even the Herod family. On the night of the dance, however, son number three made the decision to seek his own way rather than the way of God and beheaded John. Three years later, the third son came face-to-face with Jesus, but Jesus remained silent in his presence. The third son’s rejection of God had occurred three years earlier, his fate was already sealed.
How do you minister to a dysfunctional family? Like John, don’t ignore the symptoms and remain silent. Speak the truth of God, but do so out of compassion and concern. Realize that ultimately, every person has to make their own decision in life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, find a good role model of a healthy family, perhaps in your church, and emulate it. I come from a long line of alcoholics and broken homes, but through Jesus Christ I broke the cycle. In Christ, there is hope for every home.